How a big change can make anyone feel like Andy Murray……

I am sure I was not the only one to really feel for Andy Murray last week, when he broke down several times in front of an international TV audience. He was, very reluctantly, announcing his forthcoming retirement from professional tennis at the age of just 31 - due to a painful hip injury. He’s not always been a popular sports star, or worn his heart on his sleeve, but his very human reaction to the circumstances he finds himself in was touching for many I suspect.

Whilst he’s in a very privileged position compared to many of us, and I’m sure has lots of other options open to him, and few money worries, he was still having to wrestle with a choice that he never wanted to have to make at this stage. Leaving any fulfilling job, or role you have worked hard towards (in Andy’s case a totally all-encompassing one that he has been working towards since just a young boy) is often very hard – there’s just no getting around that.

So he’s probably feeling no different to how many of us do when we face big transitions in our lives, like redundancy (even if voluntary), a major reorganisation at work, retirement, children leaving home, or taking a career break to care for a family. He is, quite visibly in his case, feeling overwhelmed and totally destabilised by the emotion of it all.

Particularly if you are used to successfully managing your life, coping with challenges from all sides at work and at home, and performing under pressure, it can be very hard to understand the impact big change like this has when it comes. We feel we “should” be able to just deal with it and move on, and give ourselves a pretty hard time for letting the emotions in. So, why is it so incredibly hard……?

Basically, because when we first start to deal with a major life-change, human physiology and the resulting emotion takes over from the logical, competent side of us, and we feel a very real type of emotional shock in our bodies and minds. The emotional responses relate to a perceived threat to our basic human needs, including those for social status and identity, and relatedness to other people, a reasonable level of stability and control over our direction, and fair treatment. This emotional response is not about weakness, its basic human biology and the way we have evolved, so it’s perfectly normal. However, what you do to deal with it can certainly help shorten the period before your logical, competent side wrestles back some control!

So how might you shorten that period?

Pour it out: Have a one-off time (or at least limit it to a fairly short period) where you allow yourself to be honest about your negative emotions with someone you trust – really “let it go” as the song goes! However, try not to let this take over a long period of time, or become “wallowing” – this won’t help.

Give yourself a break: Avoid jumping to negative assumptions about yourself in the early days, like “I have clearly failed”, “this was my choice, so I guess I have deal with it alone…” or “I was probably failing in that job anyway, so it was bound to happen sometime”. Time for balanced reflection may well come later, but for now, try to be kinder to yourself and keep an open mind. Also, negative statements like this can easily become part of your accepted story of yourself, so don’t keep saying them, as you’ll just sabotage your chances of moving forwards well.

Regain some control: Try to do at least a few small things that you can still control. This might be as simple as preparing well for your redundancy consultation meeting, booking a short holiday, or something totally unrelated, like starting a new exercise regime. If this is a life-change you have chosen yourself, but are still struggling with the enormity of, this might be a time to take a few small decisions to start down that road like starting a new business plan. However, be careful of making really big decisions at this stage, while you’re still feeling raw, as your head may not be as clear as normal.

Start assembling your support team: When you reach the end of the really raw stage, you’ll need to start thinking about the future, your next steps, and your long-term goals, so start laying the groundwork for this now. Note down who you have in your network of family, friends and colleagues, and what they can best help you with – this will probably pleasantly surprise you, and make you feel a little better in itself. If you also want independent support, there are plenty of skilled counsellors, business advisors and coaches who can also help you get back to your most resourceful self and move forwards in the best way for you. Whatever the best approach for you, don’t feel you need to try and do it all alone – you will need a team of supporters around you, and that’s nothing to be ashamed of!

You may not be quite sure at the time when you have reached the end of the initial shock phase, (this might be clearer looking back in a few months or even years) but be reassured that it will end, even if not in a neat and tidy “closure” way as society can like to suggest. When Andy Murray’s biographer and friend was interviewed on the BBC following the recent news coverage, her closing remarks were that despite finding the news desperately sad for him, she knew he had an excellent team of family and friends around him, who all wanted to best for him for the long term, not just as a tennis player but as a man. This meant she knew he would find a way forward outside his current bubble, as there was more to him, and more to life, than he may feel at the moment. She was right of course, and the same applies to each of us.